They don’t hate you… just everything you represent. Here’s how to change that
Hint: You’re not there to impress them. You’re there to earn trust.
Let’s be honest — there’s a silent tension in many tech teams.
You walk into your first standup, armed with your roadmap, your optimistic smile and your carefully color-coded backlog.
And you’re greeted with… muted microphones, side-eyes and just enough awkward silence to make you question all your life choices.
You don’t need to ask “Is it me?”
Because yeah, sometimes — it is.
Developers are not born with a disdain for project managers. It’s learned.
It comes from years of being overpromised, micromanaged, scope-creeped or reduced to story-point vending machines.
But here’s the twist: you’re not here to fix them. You’re here to fix how you show up.
Here’s how to work with developers who don’t trust you (yet) and maybe even kinda hate PMs.
1. Drop the Need to Impress
This is not Shark Tank. You’re not pitching your worth.
So skip the credentials, the agile jargon parade and the 12-tab dashboard walkthrough.
What your team really wants to know is:
“Are you here to make my life harder or easier?”
Spoiler: Trust isn’t earned through a Gantt chart.
It’s earned when you stop trying to look useful and start being useful.
2. Listen Like It’s a Feature
Developers are used to being talked at, not listened to.
Want to change the game? Ask questions like:
- “What’s frustrating right now?”
- “How do you prefer to work?”
- “What’s one thing I could take off your plate?”
Then shut up and actually listen.
No rebuttals. No defensiveness. Just listening with curiosity, not an agenda.
That’s how you build real context — not assumptions.
3. Speak Human, Not PowerPoint
Nothing kills trust faster than corporate-speak in a team chat.
Say:
- “What’s blocking you?”
Not: “Can you provide a status update on your assigned deliverables?”
Say:
- “Need help removing this dependency?”
Not: “We need to realign our cross-functional bandwidth.”
Be clear. Be direct. Be human.
Developers have enough abstraction in their lives already.
4. Protect Their Time Like It’s Sacred
If your meetings don’t add value, they’re an invoice on their focus.
Every interruption costs real progress — and real trust.
So:
- Kill the unnecessary meetings.
- Don’t Slack them mid-flow just because you remembered something.
- Don’t drop “urgent” new scope halfway through a sprint unless it’s literally on fire.
Your job isn’t to create noise. It’s to filter it.
5. Earn Trust Quietly
Don’t chase “PM of the Month” energy. Just show up consistently.
- If you say you’ll follow up, do it.
- If you’re wrong, own it.
- If the team succeeds, give them credit.
- If something goes sideways, take responsibility publicly and fix it privately.
You can’t fast-track credibility. But you can build it with small deposits every day.
“If they roll their eyes when you speak — don’t get louder. Get better.”
6. Make the Project Feel Like Theirs (Because It Is)
Nobody likes to be told what to do. Especially not smart people who write code that runs the world.
So loop them into:
- Decision-making.
- Planning.
- Trade-off conversations.
You’ll still lead — but not like a dictator. Like a facilitator who knows they’re not the smartest in the room — and doesn’t need to be.
7. Check Your Ego (and Agenda) at the Door
It’s tempting to want to “show your value” every day. But some days, your most valuable move is getting out of the way.
Don’t force process for the sake of it.
Don’t obsess over burndown charts like they’re your OKRs in disguise.
And don’t make their resistance about you. It usually isn’t.
Instead:
Be helpful. Be humble. Be relentless in protecting the team’s flow.
Bonus: PM-to-English — A Quick Translation Guide
Sometimes the tension is just… communication failure. So here’s a little cheat sheet:
📌 Pro tip: If you’re self-aware enough to laugh at this, you’re already ahead.
Final Thoughts: From Hate to Respect
You’re not always going to be liked. That’s not the job.
But you can be respected.
When you stop trying to control everything and start enabling progress — without ego, without noise — something changes.
You go from being “just another PM” to becoming the person developers trust to have their back.
And that?
That’s the kind of project manager even the most jaded devs can learn to respect.
Want to earn more trust as a PM?
Grab my free infographic 👉 6 Tech Things Every Scrum Master Should Know
It’s a no-fluff cheat sheet to help you support developers with confidence and not just ceremonies.
🔥If you liked this article, check out the previous one, where we go over how to survive your first sprint as a Scrum Master.
Written by
Simina F. | howtobecomeapm.com – Author